Finding love as a single twenty-something can be daunting. We work hard all week, and then catch up with girlfriends or head to the gym in our free time, leaving little time for matters of the heart.
But sometimes we feel the pressure of hitting it off with the first person we bump into within these social circles. And with the recent boom of online dating and apps, we wonder if digital is the way forward, having now lost its previous stigma.
PlusMinus Magazine were very lucky to scoop an exclusive interview with leading love guru, Kathryn Alice to shed some light on this somewhat tricky topic. Author of the 2007 best-selling book, Love Will Find You, Kathryn believes that no one is too old – or too busy – to meet their perfect match.
With a successful career as a spiritual counsellor, Kathryn has mentored many clients through online courses and seminars, bringing love into their lives.
Her work has featured in prestigious publications from The New York Times and USA Today, and Kathryn regularly wrote for the column ‘Dating, Love and Soulmates’ at Holistic Magazine.
Here we get the lowdown on all-things love from dating to breakups.
Gemma, PlusMinus: How did you become a love expert? And what inspired you to become a love guru?
Kathryn Alice: I directed a Crisis Support Clinic and Team in Los Angeles for 6 years. During that time, the leading issue amongst those suicidal were matters of love, relationships and divorce. We had great success in turning people around, and I later applied those same techniques in workshops, writings and private practice to continued good results. I’ve also been married for over a decade, quite happily, so have experience in my own life. Hundreds of reviews of my work on Amazon.com bear witness to expert status, as well.
G: Do you have any advice for singletons working full-time and find it difficult to meet new people?
K: Yes! Have faith that the majority of the time, love happens quite suddenly and often just shows up at your door. The majority of those polled who believe that they are with their soulmate said they met their One “right under their nose”.
One single outing when you’re rested and feeling good mood is worth ten times more than when you’ve forced yourself while feeling tired and depleted. You’ll get better results by pacing yourself.
G: What three main things would you teach to those who are single?
K: 1: A soulmate’s love can be heaven on earth, and it’s worth waiting for. 2: There is someone earmarked just for you, and it’s not random chance for the two of you to come together. If you’re open to love and positive about it, it can land right in your lap. 3: If you haven’t found love easily, you have a block of one kind or another, but that can be dealt with once we identify it. You still have every hope for love.
G: How can we better deal with heartbreak?
K: Our first step has to be stabilizing you and dealing with the emotional pain. Secondly, we need to treat and dissolve the attachment. Attachment has its own voice and while difficult to get rid of, it can be done. Once the attachment loosens its death grip on you, you can see clearly and begin to have some hope for your future.
Many, many people I’ve worked with find the right love quickly after they’ve finally and successfully let go. You don’t have to grieve for years or beat a dead horse to try and make a lost cause work out.
G: After experiencing heartbreak, it can be hard to believe you’ll ever meet someone again. How can we change this negative outlook?
K: It’s a process of changing perspectives. The outlook when you’re going through heartbreak can seem very bleak, but it’s not. I use exercises and guided meditations to help my students focus on life beyond the break-up. It’s proven quite successful.
G: You believe in working on and learning to love our inner selves before we can attract a partner. How can we learn to become happier with who we are? Does this come with age?
K: Self-acceptance can come with age, but a conscious effort can be made to love and value ourselves at any age. The approach I use to help people learn to be happier with themselves is:
- Change any inner critical self-talk to more positive, gentle messages we give to ourselves
- Develop good boundaries if we’ve been a doormat (you tend to attract takers otherwise)
- Start appreciating one’s self with lists of successes and qualities, remembering kind things past loves and friends have said about us and learning a more respectful, kind attitude towards self
- Set the bar higher as to what we are willing to accept. For some, it’s a huge leap forward to not settle for someone who is unavailable or with whom we have no chemistry
G: How did you know your partner was “The One”?
K: For me, it was a gradual recognition (as is often the case, love at first sight only happens 10% of the time). I said, “God, if he’s The One, then just keep making him look this good.” And he never set a foot wrong. Long before our wedding, I realized that he was IT for me, and no one else would do. That still holds true to this day.
G: Is there a secret to a long and happy partnership?
K: Yes, it’s helpful to keep things at a high level where we stay appreciative of the qualities that made us fall in love to begin with. And good communication is a MUST.
G: Many women have low self-confidence and believe they are not deserving of love. How can they change this self -sabotaging mentality?
K: Unfortunately, a vast majority of women have low self-confidence. It’s societal, and I pray that it’s changing as our parenting and socialization ideas evolve.
An exercise I do to help women realize they deserve love is to look around and see the vast variety of happily married women. You see every age, size and state. I ask them if they really think they could be left out, if they think they are the ONE exception. They have to admit they couldn’t be, and we chip away at old, pessimistic views of their chances until a healthy sense of possibility emerges.
G: How can we overcome the fear of rejection?
K: It’s very simple, though takes a while to sink in. There is no such thing as rejection, only the wrong fit. I drill this into the heads of my students until they really get it, and if someone isn’t interested, then they just say “next” and move on without even agonizing over what they did wrong. The right person could never reject us, and so we keep going until we find that beloved being.
G: In your book, Love Will Find You, you talk about “The 9 Love Magnets”. Could you give us a brief explanation of what this is and how they work?
K: Each magnet takes people deeper into what I call “attractant mode” – where love comes to you, rather than you having to seek it out. We begin by setting an intention for love, shoring up the faith that the person deserves it and can get it. We continue by dealing with past hurts and heartbreak in a process I call “Declutter Your Heart.” We send out a “soul call”, an inner process for The One. This is an inner invitation to the love of your life.
And then, we deal with dating in a new and much improved style that leaves out the disappointment and potential for heartache. Finally we get ready, because once love hits, we don’t have time for much else. We disappear into a cocoon of bliss for a while! The final magnet – super helpful to couples already together – details how to have a “Relationship from Heaven”, keeping the bliss that you feel when you initially fall in love.
G: And finally, do you believe that love will find you, rather than going out to find love?
K: Yes, I do! And this has often been the case in my work. My Southern saying is: “If you don’t get out much, they’ll have a wreck in your yard.” Meaning that true to the title of my best-selling book, love will find you. That’s why introverts enjoy my work so much!
Visit Kathryn’s website to shop her popular collection of books and CDs.